Monday, June 13, 2011
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Encountering God's Love and Favor
"I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you." -God (Jeremiah 31:3)
God certainly knows His children and He certainly knows the state of my heart. He sees beyond the facades, religiousity, and ministry work. He knows all my hurts, pains, fears, and worries that I never knew even existed. In this post, I will be writing about an encounter I had with the love of God just this past weekend to set up a "memorial stone" so I can look back and remember that if God did it before, He can do it again and also to encourage any of you readers to open up your heart and have a revelation of how much He loves you.
Over the past few months, I can honestly say my heart became progressively numb to the things of God. I lost joy in serving and worshipping. As a result, I pulled back tremendously from my responsibilities because it was just wearing me out. Life went on without excitement, work was no longer a place where I sought an oppurtunity to shine, and to be honest I was a bit depressed. I was always tired and wanted to just to veg out and sleep most of the time. I became a bit less social and wanted to be alone more (yah... it's a surprise since I tend to be more extroverted). I lost motivation to do anything- even going to the gym and working out. I rarely got dreams and visions from God anymore. Sure, I had a few moments in between where God would use me to prophesy or heal people and tell them about Jesus but it didn't quite hit me in the heart. I used to burn to see revival in Long Beach but over these past few months, I honestly didn't care if revival came or not. I knew there was something wrong in my heart and it was a frustrating feeling trying to get out of this what you call "rut". I tried getting close to God. Maybe if I prayed more? Worshipped more? How can I even worship by myself when my iPod touch wasn't functioning anymore (I'll touch on this subject at the end of this blog... no pun intended. hehehe...) and honestly I don't like listening to The Fish (a Christian radio station that plays a lot of mainstream Christian music. I don't have anything against them but it doesn't really connect with me somehow).
It came to a climax this past Saturday. Have you ever had a feeling that you were alive physically but emotionally and spiritually you felt dead? I went out to eat lunch with my mom and usually I enjoy Chinese buffets but I ate with no enjoyment. I felt like a zombie. I was neither happy nor sad. It was a very frustrating feeling. Then I thought to myself "Shoot, now I have to be at LoveHOP (Love House of prayer in which I help minister in) tonight in this kind of state. I don't even want to go. Do I really have to sit there for three hours trying to sing songs and "cry out" to God to change churches, cities, and nations when I can't even change myself?"
I forced myself to drive there anyways. As I was driving I prayed that God would do something... anything to get me out of this. Honestly, I really didn't believe He would and I thought I would leave feeling worse than I did before and posssibly more condemned for not living up to expectations I set up for myself.
When I finally got to LoveHOP, I honestly was thinking of making a U-turn back home and just dwell on how crappy how I was feeling. Somehow, I forced myself to go in. I forced myself to sing songs and tried really hard to enter into "worship mode" but to no avail. I was frustrated. Then Tammy, the director of LoveHOP, exhorted us to declare His faithfulness to His promises. So I did for a while and actuallly believed what I was declaring unto God. Then I silently prayed, "God do something with me tonight. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I want to quit and live in the Philippines or something. Lord, I don't even want to be here. I feel like I'm wasting my time"
Then that's when God began to encounter me. He told me, "Just open up your heart and receive my love." To be honest, I was hesitant and a bit scared to because if I did I thought He would do something crazy to me that would hurt me. But I was desperate and I gave in. I then saw a vision of lava flowing and filling up every deep dark crack and crevice. I felt God say "My love covers every deep crack of pain and hurt you've experienced in life. Nothing will separate you from My love. I love you so much. Just keep receiving My love for you, Katzy." I got on my knees and started to weep. I haven't wept that much in what it seems to be years and years. As I was on my knees crying my heart out, I felt a rush of His love and mercy touch my heart. Then Harold, our ever so talented and amazing worship director started singing the lyrics of Bethel Church's "One Thing Remains" and part of the song went:
"Your Love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me"
We've sang this song dozens of times before but this time the truth of this song struck me. I wept while I was on my knees for God knows how long. As I was weeping I felt God massaging my heart and I kept seeing that vision of God's lava of love flowing into my heart healing my hurt and brokennes of being abandoned by the ones that said they loved and cared about me. I then heard God say "Katzy, you're going to be OK. LoveHOP is going to be OK. Your relationships are going to be OK. Just trust Me and allow Me to keep loving you tonight." Right after that, Harold prophetically kept singing "Everything's gonna be OK" over and over again. I wept some more but at the same time I laughed because God was just confirming what He spoke to me personally. I kept weeping and laughing throughout and I wept so much that I used up half a box of tissues which remind me that I need to buy some more for LoveHOP. (LOL)
After that I felt my heart became alive again. I felt at home at LoveHOP. I actually enjoyed worshipping Him. It was a powerful time of worship as we all stood and joined hands and loved on our Jesus together as a community. Several prophetic words were given out and it was very encouraging. I felt God tell me "Katzy, you have responded well. You chose to receive My love and you chose the best part- worshipping Me." I responded back "Me, Lord? Really?". God said, "Yes, you. Just rest and enjoy my presence!" I was just so overcome by His love I couldn't stop crying...
Why am I writing this? Because sometime during this whole encounter, God revealed to me that I was afraid to be loved by Him. It was due to the fact that in my past, whenever I let people love me they ended up saying they didn't love me anymore and walked out on me. I was seriously hurt by that and I thought I got over it but truth to be told, the scars of all the pain and rejection remained. I carried it on to my relationship with God. If I allowed myself to receive God's love I thought God would do something to hurt me. That's why I pulled back so much...
But the greatest freedom comes when you surrender yourself to the love of God. And when you allow Him to love you, you can freely love Him back (1 John 4:19). If you feel like you can't love God enough, just rest and take in His love for you. I guarantee it will rock you. Just ask and you shall receive. He delights in pouring out His love to His children! And when you're in love, whatever He asks you to do, it won't necessarily be viewed as a "sacrifice" but more of a simple act of worship. Lovers do the craziest things for each other! I feel God's love seeped into the deepest parts of my heart and has healed me from the pain and brokenness I've held on to in the past. Later that night, I repented from that mindset and I feel like God has renewed my view of Him. He's not out to hurt me. His plans for me are not for destruction but for good (Jeremiah 29:11).
To be honest though, there's still some stuff I need to be healed from but I feel this is something significant that I need to hold on to. I just need to keep allowing myself to be loved by God. I don't know what's going to come next but I know my Papa is a good and His steadfast love endures forever....
Encountering Favor
"For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor.No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly." -Psalm 84:11
Remember when I mentioned my iPod touch not working properly? This is a testimony of God's favor the very next day.
Around last month, after I went to the gym my iPod's touch capabilities weren't working when I took it out of my gym bag. I was frustrated because I used that to spend time with God and I became dependent on it for my worship since I really don't play an instrument. I tried praying over it, immersing it in rice (yah, I know... weird huh?), praying over it some more but to no avail. It was pretty frustrating because I called tech stores and they would charge 100 bucks to fix it. And I would not spend my hard earned cash to do that. I hesitated going to the Apple store because I thought they would charge even more money but I decided to give them a shot as a last resort.
On Sunday (the day after I encountered God's love at LoveHOP), I went to Cerritos Mall's Apple store. As I was driving I prayed that either they would fix it for free or just give me a brand new replacement since I thought I was still under the one-year warranty. When the lady that was helping me checked the serial number she said that I was one month past my warranty and they would charge me 149 bucks to fix or trade my broken one in to receive 10% off a new one. I was bummed but at the same time I was at peace. She went to away to do something and I told God "Lord, I trust You with this. Your will be done. I know You'll provide somehow..." The lady came back and she guess what? She said they'll waive the cost and give me a BRAND NEW replacement!!! PRAISE JESUS!!! And to top it off, I previously owned a 2nd generation iPod touch and the one they gave me was a 3rd generation! I should've asked God for the new iPod 4 with the camera and stuff but this one will do (Just joking...).
I hope that after reading this God spoke to your heart someway somehow. I really don't know what else to say except that I urge you to press in for your own breakthroughs and personal revivals. He loves you, He loves you, He loves you!!!!
Amen=)
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