my mind and heart is kind of like in a whirlwind right now. so im gonna blog just straight and raw. i dont care about punctuation, captilization, and grammar. i'll just pound away at the keyboard to release all these emotions i have inside right now. sorry if this stumbles some of you readers but it just goes to show that im someone that needs the grace of God everyday and that even though i may appear to have it "together", in reality His strength is made perfect when i confess i'm weak. and i feel really week right now because i can't see YOU or even talk to YOU.
yesterday (sunday) i went to my old church and many people said that i looked way different because of the amount of weight i lost. funny, people seemed to be extra friendly to me now. i find it interesting. but aside from that, many people were asking me about HER. and i was able to show her some pics that i stored on my phone and just talked about how awesome SHE was and how God was the one that brought us together. outside, i appeared joyful and happy. but deep inside, the more i talked about HER, the more my heart longed just to be with HER. the more i kept missing HER. all the while i was thinking today was the day i was supposed to see HER. but God had other plans that are perfect and makes my ideas pale in comparison. all my guy friends at my old church thought SHE was really cute and in my head i was like "yah, youre dang right SHES mine mine mine" haha.
later on that night, i went to loveHOP church and my friend called HER up that week and told me "katzy, SHE really l___s you. dont doubt that". those words gave me assurance but for some reason i wanted HER to do the reassuring....
and then earlier today at work (monday), the supervisor that asked me if i was in love, asked to see what SHE looks like too. i showed her pics and my supervisor was all like "awwww SHES really cute!" then she proceeded to do that little chant "katzy and _________ sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G". in my mind i thought "oh how i wish just to even be in sitting in a tree next to HER! LOL. my heart just kept melting and just even made me miss HER more. normally, i wouldve texted HER right away to tell HER but it's driving me crazy that i cant call, text, FB, email, or even comment HER blog at all. in my heart, i was wishing SHE was there to share those moments with me. i want HER to be there when i talk about how awesome SHE is.
i wish SHE was there tonight at the bible study i used to lead. God did amazing stuff. i prayed over this girl who i used to teach VBS too when she was little (she's 20 now). shes had shoulder pain for 5 years due to a dislocation and God miraculously healed her. i was able to prophesy over some stuff to her and i found out around 4-5 people want to get baptized from that group! amazing!!! wish YOU were here....
these next 2-3 months are gonna be tough. it's already been hard and it's only been 3 days since i last made any form of contact with HER. and before that it was a full week of nothing. and a week was already too long.
you know what scares me?
i always think that SHE might have a change of heart towards me and all "this". im actually afraid SHE might find someone else better. i mean the guys that people introduce HER to are probably better looking, and i know they are earning or will be earning six digit salaries. im afraid some guy will smooth talk her away from me. im afraid SHE'll get used to not talking to me and find affection in some other guy that SHE can actually talk to. i feel like i dont have anything to offer HER except myself and i always feel like it's not good enough. im afraid that SHE'LL give up on this because it's too hard. im afraid SHE'LL just give in to what HER parents want to hook her up with.
i know im not ever gonna abandon "this" because i know my heart is not gonna change toward HER. i wonder what SHE'S thinking and feeling right now towards me. im praying and hoping SHE doesn't waver or goes for some other guy. that will shatter me and that word is an understatement.
as im typing this, i realize im really insecure. it's a physical manifestation of what's going on spiritually. i really love God. He knows i do. but at times im not secure in knowing His love for me. it's like "God you really love me? really?? but i just did... and you still do? what??" and it manifests in the relationship between me and "her". how can she even want to be with me? there are better guys out there! i have baggage from past relationships. im probably not gonna earn a six digit salary. all i have to offer HER is myself. and i feel myself just doesnt cut it for HER. i mean... look at HER. SHE's amazing. SHE's beautiful. SHE loves God so much! SHE has a passion to tell people about God. how does a girl like that end up with someone like me???!!! it seems like its too good to be true...
but as im thinking right now i need to be secure first in His love. only then can i be secure in this relationship. God's love seems to good to be true on the surface. "but God demonstrated His love towards us, in that while we were STILL sinners, Christ DIED for us" (romans 5:8). imagine that!! God didnt wait for us to clean up our act. while we were still rebelling against Him, He still loved us and went all the way to the point of death on a cross to demonstrate it!! He had every reason to leave us and zap us into hell, but because of this crazy love He didnt!! Lord, may this be written in my heart and not just be stored in my head..!
and YOU, if YOU'RE reading this. i miss YOU terribly. one day i will get to see you again. and this time there will be no tension of "do i like you/do i not like you" but there will be assurance coming from me of how i really .... you. i hope, pray, and will believe that it's still the same back coming from you. im wondering how YOU'RE doing. i wonder what's in YOU'RE mind and how is YOU'RE heart right now. i wonder because i really .... you and care about you. so please update me somehow...
2-3 months will pass by quickly. and the timing will be perfect. im waiting on God. im holding on to ALL the confirmations, dreams, visions, and prophecies God gave us. i hope YOU do as well.
miss na miss kita.
<3
katzy
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